Some of the well-known people with documented attachment breaks who did not get help with healing parenting and attachment therapy are Jeffrey Dahmer, Edgar Allen Poe, Hitler, Ted Bundy, Saddam Hussein, and Ted Kaczynski, the "Unabomber".
Just as a break in the bond from the parents causes the trauma called Attachment Disorder, bonding with parents can heal it. Parents are a crucial ingredient in the healing of a child with Attachment Disorder. The successful, healing team must consist of empowered, educated parents and a competent, skilled attachment therapist.
Some children with RAD are very violent and inflict physical wounds and pain upon their parents. However, the parents still seek answers and solutions rather than turn away.
There is hope for these tough kids.
Because of the trauma these children have endured, they see the world and handle it in a very different way.
Your child believes that the world is unsafe, that you are unloving, that he is
unlovable, that he must control at all costs if he is to survive. Your child believes
that you are the enemy and that if you get too close to him, his pain/fear/sorrow
will be unbearable. (Pickle, 1997b, p.5).
The parents' feet must be on solid ground and steadied before they can even reach out to their child. Parents need to prepare by (1) resting; (2) gaining power through knowledge; (3) gathering a support system; (4) reestablishing authority; and (5) facing the problem.
Parents must stay calm "in the eye of the storm", i.c., they stay in control
emotionally when the child is out of control emotionally or behaviorally. In
order to accomplish this challenging task, parents must always follow the number
one rule of good parenting, "Take good care of yourself". (T.M. Levy & Orians, 1998,
p.199).
Step 1: Both parents must get plenty of rest. The skills and energy required of parents of RAD children are much greater than a parent of a securely attached child. Exhaustion often results from offering opportunities time and time again as a child defies, rejects, and attacks the parents emotionally and/or physically. "not surprising, peerhaps, the most likely candidates for early exhaustion are the parents who are radically committed to their children. After all if there is no 'fire' there can be no burnout". (Dobson, 1987, p. 127). The task, to offer the special opportunities that an Attachment Disorder child needs to heal, must be completed by one primary caregiver. The caregiver, male or female, henceforth in this text will be labeled "Mom".
Step 2: Acquire more information. Education about this deeply painful condition is a must. Parents often feel tremendous pain having a child that rejects their love.
'When parents of unattached children -- often children who have suffered early
abuse and neglect -- are taught child management techniques and then
conscientiously carry them out only to see them fall again and again, a sense of
futility sets in. Parents then feel increasingly more hopeless.' (Cline, 1982, p. 162)
They often feel like "bad parents".
Because children with attachment disorder don't operate in the world in the same
way that securely attached children do, parenting techniques that work well for
securely attached children don't work well at all for children with attachment
disorder. Normal, children (securely atttached) can usually be given choices in
most areas of their lives, and be allowed to make mistakes because they learn
how to handle the consequences of the mistakes they make. However if children
with attachment disorder are given choices they will almost inevitably make choices
that are extremely detrimental to themselves or to someone else... And as any parent
who has tried to raise a child with attachment disorder can tell you, parenting
according to Dr. Spock, Dr. Ginott, Toughlove, Parent Effectiveness Training,
Behavior modification, or other approaches to parenting have little to no success
with children with attachment disorder either.' (Randolph, 1997, p.23)
Children with this disturbance should not be given more information than is absolutely necessary. In the case of securely or anxiously attached children, they cope better with time to assimilate and digest upcoming changes or events. Attachment Disordered children act worse then given information about what is going to occur. They use it to manipulate their environment and everyone in it. If a child is to have a stressful visit with someone and is told about it they often use the time to obsess, become destructive, and act out their concerns. If something happens and the scheduled visit or event does not occur the child then is angry, disappointed, or sad about it not happening. If information about an upcoming fun event is shared they will often try to sabotage the event beforehand. Sharing information on a need-to-know basis, at the last possible moment, has shown to be the least stressful for all involved and it gives parents the upper hand in the battle for control.
The tight structure that is necessary for the healing of these children can be made clearer with a visual picture. The child having a "war wound" is losing his life blood rapidly through a severed artery. In order to stop the bleeding and save his life firm pressure must be applied. The pressure bandage must not be moved often to check if the bleeding has stopped. Too much blood may be lost with each loosening. It must remain steadily in place until there is no doubt it is no longer needed or the child will not survive. It is painful to hold the pressure for the wounded. They will cry out, "It's too tight, stop! You are hurting me!" The pressure mus not be stopped. The parent holding the pressure on the child feels the pain of their child, yet, knows no matter how difficult, it must be done and persists. When the pressure is held steady, long enough and firm enough for bleeding to stop, no more pressure is required. With Attachment Disordered children the parents must not set up structure out of a need to be in control, military drill sergeant style, but out of love and compassion to save the child they love.
Tomorrow, I will continue with information on "parenting children with attachment disorders", beginning with Step 3.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)
Anyone who is or will be loving foster and/or adoptive children will, in all probability, be dealing with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD for short). You may be wondering what is RAD and/or what causes RAD?
Well, my husband and I adopted two children through the foster-to-adopt system and are currently fostering a third child, and so we have become quite familiar with RAD. Although, when we dealt with it the first two times, there wasn't a lot of information about it available. It was a fairly new diagnosis.
If you're like me, I know what you are thinking. "Another new diagnosis; another new label. How legitimate is it?" Well, I can tell you from experience, this one is definitely legitimate. I am currently reading a book to learn more about it, and everything I have read so far is exactly what we have seen or experienced in our three children, but not exactly the same way in the three. Just as each child is different, we have found that each child with RAD can have a different level of the disorder and can exhibit different behaviors.
First of all, let me explain what RAD is and its causes. The information I will share comes from the book that I am reading, entitled Handbook of Attachment Interventions edited by Terry M. Levy and published by Academic Press. Most of us know that the first several years of life is the critical developmental stage in which children develop basic trust, patterns of relating, sense of self, conscience, and cognitive abilities. Many children, however, do not experience secure attachments with loving, reliable, and protective caregivers and are left without a crucial foundation for healthy development. They are flooding our child welfare and juvenile justice systems with an overwhelming array of problems and are at high risk for becoming adults who perpetuate the cycle with their own children. Children who begin their lives with seriously compromised and disrupted attachment often become impulsive, extremely oppositional, lacking in conscience and empathy, unable to give and receive genuine affection and love, angry, aggressive, and violent.
The causes of attachment disorder are grouped into three categories: (1) parental/caregiver contributions (e.g., abuse and neglect, depression, psychological disorders); (2) child contributions (e.g., difficult temperament, prematurity, fetal alcohol syndrome); and (3) environmental contributions (e.g., poverty, stressful and violent home and/or community). The most common causes of attachment disorder are abuse, neglect, multiple out-of-home placements (e.g., moves in foster care system), and other prolonged separations from the primary attachment figure (e.g., hospitalization, prison, postpartum depression).
Attachment disorder affects many aspects of a child's functioning. Symptoms exist along a continuum, from mild to severe, and are divided into six categories:
Behavior: oppositional and defiant, impulsive, destructive, lie and steal, aggressive and abusive,
hyperactive, self-destructive, cruel to animals, fire setting.
Emotions: intense anger, depressed and hopeless, moody, fearful and anxious (although often
hidden), irritable, inappropriate emotional reactions.
Thoughts: negative core beliefs about self, relationships, and life in general ("negative working
model:), lack of cause-and-effect thinking, attention and learning problems.
Relationships: lacks trust, controlling ("bossy"), manipulative, does not give or receive genuine
affection and love, indiscriminately affectionate with strangers, unstable peer
relationships, blames other for own mistakes or problems, victimized
others/victimized.
Physical: poor hygiene, tactilely defensive, enuresis and encopresis, accident prone, high pain
tolerance, genetic predisposition (e.g., depression, hyperactivity).
Moral/spiritual: lack of empathy, faith, compassion, remorse, meaning and other prosocial
values; identification with evil and the dark side of life.
Tomorrow I will begin posting on "Parenting Children with Attachment Disorders".
Well, my husband and I adopted two children through the foster-to-adopt system and are currently fostering a third child, and so we have become quite familiar with RAD. Although, when we dealt with it the first two times, there wasn't a lot of information about it available. It was a fairly new diagnosis.
If you're like me, I know what you are thinking. "Another new diagnosis; another new label. How legitimate is it?" Well, I can tell you from experience, this one is definitely legitimate. I am currently reading a book to learn more about it, and everything I have read so far is exactly what we have seen or experienced in our three children, but not exactly the same way in the three. Just as each child is different, we have found that each child with RAD can have a different level of the disorder and can exhibit different behaviors.
First of all, let me explain what RAD is and its causes. The information I will share comes from the book that I am reading, entitled Handbook of Attachment Interventions edited by Terry M. Levy and published by Academic Press. Most of us know that the first several years of life is the critical developmental stage in which children develop basic trust, patterns of relating, sense of self, conscience, and cognitive abilities. Many children, however, do not experience secure attachments with loving, reliable, and protective caregivers and are left without a crucial foundation for healthy development. They are flooding our child welfare and juvenile justice systems with an overwhelming array of problems and are at high risk for becoming adults who perpetuate the cycle with their own children. Children who begin their lives with seriously compromised and disrupted attachment often become impulsive, extremely oppositional, lacking in conscience and empathy, unable to give and receive genuine affection and love, angry, aggressive, and violent.
The causes of attachment disorder are grouped into three categories: (1) parental/caregiver contributions (e.g., abuse and neglect, depression, psychological disorders); (2) child contributions (e.g., difficult temperament, prematurity, fetal alcohol syndrome); and (3) environmental contributions (e.g., poverty, stressful and violent home and/or community). The most common causes of attachment disorder are abuse, neglect, multiple out-of-home placements (e.g., moves in foster care system), and other prolonged separations from the primary attachment figure (e.g., hospitalization, prison, postpartum depression).
Attachment disorder affects many aspects of a child's functioning. Symptoms exist along a continuum, from mild to severe, and are divided into six categories:
Behavior: oppositional and defiant, impulsive, destructive, lie and steal, aggressive and abusive,
hyperactive, self-destructive, cruel to animals, fire setting.
Emotions: intense anger, depressed and hopeless, moody, fearful and anxious (although often
hidden), irritable, inappropriate emotional reactions.
Thoughts: negative core beliefs about self, relationships, and life in general ("negative working
model:), lack of cause-and-effect thinking, attention and learning problems.
Relationships: lacks trust, controlling ("bossy"), manipulative, does not give or receive genuine
affection and love, indiscriminately affectionate with strangers, unstable peer
relationships, blames other for own mistakes or problems, victimized
others/victimized.
Physical: poor hygiene, tactilely defensive, enuresis and encopresis, accident prone, high pain
tolerance, genetic predisposition (e.g., depression, hyperactivity).
Moral/spiritual: lack of empathy, faith, compassion, remorse, meaning and other prosocial
values; identification with evil and the dark side of life.
Tomorrow I will begin posting on "Parenting Children with Attachment Disorders".
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Just a Few Things
Hello. I didn't get anything posted again last week. It's very difficult right now. Here is my typical weekly schedule:
Monday -- homeschool (a heavy day)
Tuesday -- homeschool (a light day) and baking
Wednesday -- Co-op (next Wednesday is the last week until we start again in January)
Thursday -- homeschool (and right now it's laundry because since my dryer is out, I have
decided to take the wet stuff to the laundromat. It's just easier, even though my
sister-in-law offered her dryer, because I can use several dryers at once and get
it all done in about two hours for about$6 versus spending three or four hours at
my sister-in-law's. I did that once and was there until a little after 10p.m. and
didn't get any time with my husband that evening, which neither of us really liked.
Friday -- homeschool and grocery shopping
Wednesday evenings the boys have music lessons. Friday evenings we usually have Bible study or a Family activity at church. Saturday is usually for us to do things around the house or we might get together with friends, and Sundays we have Sunday school and church and often church activities like fellowship meal or just getting together with church friends. And, beginning in two weeks, Monday evenings and Saturday mornings the boys will have basketball practice, and games will take place on evenings or Saturdays as well.
Then, of course, there have been evaluation appointments for the needs of our foster son and he will be starting Speech therapy in January after the holiday, which will be 45 minutes once a week. He will also have a counselor coming to the house two hours a week because of some behavior issues. He has R.A.D. (Reactive Attachment Disorder), which most foster children have to one degree or another. I will be posting more information about this disorder as well as other issues that come with foster children in future posts because some of you have mentioned in comments to me, or I have seen on your blogs, that you are interested in doing foster care or adoption, so I will be doing some posts on these things with the hopes of informing you.
I have also taken a lot of wonderful photographs over the past week and hope to be posting some of them soon. So, all I can say is please be patient with me. I will post as often as I can.
Monday -- homeschool (a heavy day)
Tuesday -- homeschool (a light day) and baking
Wednesday -- Co-op (next Wednesday is the last week until we start again in January)
Thursday -- homeschool (and right now it's laundry because since my dryer is out, I have
decided to take the wet stuff to the laundromat. It's just easier, even though my
sister-in-law offered her dryer, because I can use several dryers at once and get
it all done in about two hours for about$6 versus spending three or four hours at
my sister-in-law's. I did that once and was there until a little after 10p.m. and
didn't get any time with my husband that evening, which neither of us really liked.
Friday -- homeschool and grocery shopping
Wednesday evenings the boys have music lessons. Friday evenings we usually have Bible study or a Family activity at church. Saturday is usually for us to do things around the house or we might get together with friends, and Sundays we have Sunday school and church and often church activities like fellowship meal or just getting together with church friends. And, beginning in two weeks, Monday evenings and Saturday mornings the boys will have basketball practice, and games will take place on evenings or Saturdays as well.
Then, of course, there have been evaluation appointments for the needs of our foster son and he will be starting Speech therapy in January after the holiday, which will be 45 minutes once a week. He will also have a counselor coming to the house two hours a week because of some behavior issues. He has R.A.D. (Reactive Attachment Disorder), which most foster children have to one degree or another. I will be posting more information about this disorder as well as other issues that come with foster children in future posts because some of you have mentioned in comments to me, or I have seen on your blogs, that you are interested in doing foster care or adoption, so I will be doing some posts on these things with the hopes of informing you.
I have also taken a lot of wonderful photographs over the past week and hope to be posting some of them soon. So, all I can say is please be patient with me. I will post as often as I can.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Run, Run, Run
That was my day today. From the time I got up until I was able to sit down at this computer this evening, I have been running (well, if you want to be literal, driving) somewhere or other.
I had to have Anthony to a church about 1/2 an hour's drive away by 9a.m. He participated in another Blue Grass Camp today.
Then I had to have myself and our foster child at our foster care agency by 10a.m. for an evaluation for further services. That appointment took about 2 hours! I had to answer a ton of questions and fill out two papers.
Then it was home for lunch and then try to squeeze some grocery shopping in. I finished at the discount grocery that I always start my weekly shopping at.
Then it was home to carry in the groceries, put the cold stuff away, find directions, to a destination needed a few hours later, on the computer, and then off to pick Anthony up.
I did take a little time to stop to take a couple of photos of some more lovely fall scenes on the way to get Anthony and on the way home, after picking Anthony up.
Then it was home to meet my hubby and off again for him to get his photo license renewed. We simply went through Wendy's drive-thru and ordered from their 99cent menu.
After Duane came out with a new license, it was back home, and he left to go to the doctor for his normal 6-month check-up. Everything's a-okay with him. While he was gone, I got the little one ready for bed, and Duane came home just in time to say bedtime prayers and good-night:)
Now, for some relaxation. Then, another busy day tomorrow, followed by a busy weekend, so this may be my last post until Monday. Tomorrow I really need to try to get two or three small loads of laundry done. However, my dryer died on Tuesday, and replacing it may take longer than expected. I was thinking a couple of weeks, but I'm not sure. They're pretty expensive and I don't really want to purchase a used one this time. The one that just died was my second used one and they just didn't last well. I also think I should get one that's a little bigger to handle the loads that I do better.
Anyway, my ever-generous sister-in-law has been kind enough, not only to offer her dryer for my use, but her services as well, if I have to much to do, she's willing for me to drop it off and she'll take care of it, and I can pick it up later. She's always so helpful. I sometimes feel bad because I don't feel like I can ever do enough to help her, but my dear hubby, (her brother), is very helpful with things around her house for her, since she is single. He's replaced a spigot for her a month or so ago, he put her storm door in her front door this past weekend, stuff like that. We just help each other however and whenever we can.
Finally, I also need to finish the grocery shopping tomorrow and try to get some bread baked. I'd like to bake some muffins too, but I'm not sure there will be time for that. Then, hubby would like his hair cut tomorrow evening, too.
Saturday, we're off to Mrs. Rabe's of Creekside Cottage. Her family has been kind enough to, once again, host the Fall Harvest Party for our church again this year. Oh, yes, but first, Saturday morning, there's a final soccer event: the boys team against any parents and siblings who would like to play. And, Sunday we have Sunday school and church and a fellowship meal.
What's your schedule like? Hope you're having fun!
I had to have Anthony to a church about 1/2 an hour's drive away by 9a.m. He participated in another Blue Grass Camp today.
Then I had to have myself and our foster child at our foster care agency by 10a.m. for an evaluation for further services. That appointment took about 2 hours! I had to answer a ton of questions and fill out two papers.
Then it was home for lunch and then try to squeeze some grocery shopping in. I finished at the discount grocery that I always start my weekly shopping at.
Then it was home to carry in the groceries, put the cold stuff away, find directions, to a destination needed a few hours later, on the computer, and then off to pick Anthony up.
I did take a little time to stop to take a couple of photos of some more lovely fall scenes on the way to get Anthony and on the way home, after picking Anthony up.
Then it was home to meet my hubby and off again for him to get his photo license renewed. We simply went through Wendy's drive-thru and ordered from their 99cent menu.
After Duane came out with a new license, it was back home, and he left to go to the doctor for his normal 6-month check-up. Everything's a-okay with him. While he was gone, I got the little one ready for bed, and Duane came home just in time to say bedtime prayers and good-night:)
Now, for some relaxation. Then, another busy day tomorrow, followed by a busy weekend, so this may be my last post until Monday. Tomorrow I really need to try to get two or three small loads of laundry done. However, my dryer died on Tuesday, and replacing it may take longer than expected. I was thinking a couple of weeks, but I'm not sure. They're pretty expensive and I don't really want to purchase a used one this time. The one that just died was my second used one and they just didn't last well. I also think I should get one that's a little bigger to handle the loads that I do better.
Anyway, my ever-generous sister-in-law has been kind enough, not only to offer her dryer for my use, but her services as well, if I have to much to do, she's willing for me to drop it off and she'll take care of it, and I can pick it up later. She's always so helpful. I sometimes feel bad because I don't feel like I can ever do enough to help her, but my dear hubby, (her brother), is very helpful with things around her house for her, since she is single. He's replaced a spigot for her a month or so ago, he put her storm door in her front door this past weekend, stuff like that. We just help each other however and whenever we can.
Finally, I also need to finish the grocery shopping tomorrow and try to get some bread baked. I'd like to bake some muffins too, but I'm not sure there will be time for that. Then, hubby would like his hair cut tomorrow evening, too.
Saturday, we're off to Mrs. Rabe's of Creekside Cottage. Her family has been kind enough to, once again, host the Fall Harvest Party for our church again this year. Oh, yes, but first, Saturday morning, there's a final soccer event: the boys team against any parents and siblings who would like to play. And, Sunday we have Sunday school and church and a fellowship meal.
What's your schedule like? Hope you're having fun!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Beautiful Artistry by our Lord God
Genesis 1:14 And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth." And it was so.
Daniel 4:11-12 "The tree grew large and strong and its top touched the sky; it was visible to the ends of the earth. Its leaves were beautiful, its fruit abundant, and on it was food for all. Under it the beasts of the field found shelter, and the birds of the air lived in its branches, from it every creature was fed."
Daniel 11:45a He will pitch his royal tents between the seas at the beautiful holy mountain.
Daniel 4:11-12 "The tree grew large and strong and its top touched the sky; it was visible to the ends of the earth. Its leaves were beautiful, its fruit abundant, and on it was food for all. Under it the beasts of the field found shelter, and the birds of the air lived in its branches, from it every creature was fed."
Daniel 11:45a He will pitch his royal tents between the seas at the beautiful holy mountain.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 "He made everything beautiful in its time. He also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."
Psalm 128:2 You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours.
Ezekiel 47:12 "Fruit trees of all kinds will grow on both banks of the river. Their leaves will not wither, nor will their fruit fall. Every month they will bear, because the water from the sanctuary flows to them. Their fruit will serve for food and their leaves for healing."
Genesis 1:11 Then God said, "Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it according to their various kinds." And it was so.
Psalm 103:15-16 As for man, his days are like the grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.
Psalm 19:9-11 The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever. The ordinances of the Lord are sure and altogether righteous. They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey from the comb. By them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward.
James 5:7 Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains.
Deuteronomy 16:15 For seven days celebrate the Feast to the Lord your God at the place the Lord will choose. For the Lord your God will bless you in all your harvest and in all the work of your hands, and your joy will be complete.
Psalm 19:9-11 The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever. The ordinances of the Lord are sure and altogether righteous. They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey from the comb. By them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward.
James 5:7 Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains.
Deuteronomy 16:15 For seven days celebrate the Feast to the Lord your God at the place the Lord will choose. For the Lord your God will bless you in all your harvest and in all the work of your hands, and your joy will be complete.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Teatime Tuesday
Have you ever ordered tea in a restaurant and were served a tea bag along with a small teapot of water and a cup and saucer and wonder what was the best way to brew the tea, in the teapot or in the teacup?
Tea is served in different ways at different places. In this case, remove the tea bag from the wrapper, and place the tea bag in the teapot of water. Allow it to steep for three or four minutes. Please do not lift the tea bag by the tab on the string and jiggle it up and down continuously to hurry the process as this gives the appearance of impatience. When the tea has reached the desired strength, pour it into the cup. Do not remove the tea bag from the teapot. Fold the tea bag wrapper and place it next to the saucer holding the teapot.
If the tea bag is served with only a cup of hot water, you use a similar method. Remove the tea bag from its wrapper, and place the bag in the cup of hot water. Allow the tea to steep until it reaches the strength you prefer. Request another saucer to hold the used tea bag. Don't place the tea bag on your saucer as it will drain, and you will end up with a dripping cup. Do not wind the string around the spoon in an attempt to drain the tea bag.
What is the proper way to make tea in a teapot using loose tea?
Making tea with loose tea is a simple ritual filled with both grace and pleasure. First, fill the tea kettle with enough cold to both warm the teapot and make the tea. When the water is near boiling, pour some into the teapot and swirl it around to warm the teapot, then empty it. Measure a rounded teaspoon of loose black tea for each cup of water the teapot holds. Add an extra teaspoon if a strong tea is preferred. You place the tea either directly into the teapot or into a tea infuser or filter. When the water comes to a full rolling boil, take the teapot to the kettle, and pour the water onto the tea leaves. Cover the teapot, and allow the tea to steep for three to five minutes. When the tea is ready, either remove the tea infuser or filter, or stir the liquid in the teapot and strain or decant the steeped tea into another heated teapot. The British tradition calls for the tea leaves to remain steeping in the pot. Unless you are serving your tea British style, it is important to remove the tea leaves, as leaving them in the hot water too long results in a bitter-tasting tea.
Are you just discovering the world of tea and wondering if there are any advantages to using loose tea over tea bags?
While tea bags or sachets offer a quick, convenient way to make a cup of tea, loose-leaf tea offers much more choice and typically is a better grade of tea. A wide selection of loose-leaf teas is available from around the world, allowing you to choose the quality and quantity of tea you wish to use. And the brew has a fuller flavor than does tea made using tea bags. The ritual of preparing tea gives you a personal moment of relaxation and beauty to enjoy the process as well as the beverage. More and more upscale restaurants are offering loose-leaf teas as the American tea renaissance continues to expand.
*Note: These tea tips come from Dorothea Johnson in her "Tea & Etiquette" column in the September/October 2008 issue of Tea Time Magazine.
Tea is served in different ways at different places. In this case, remove the tea bag from the wrapper, and place the tea bag in the teapot of water. Allow it to steep for three or four minutes. Please do not lift the tea bag by the tab on the string and jiggle it up and down continuously to hurry the process as this gives the appearance of impatience. When the tea has reached the desired strength, pour it into the cup. Do not remove the tea bag from the teapot. Fold the tea bag wrapper and place it next to the saucer holding the teapot.
If the tea bag is served with only a cup of hot water, you use a similar method. Remove the tea bag from its wrapper, and place the bag in the cup of hot water. Allow the tea to steep until it reaches the strength you prefer. Request another saucer to hold the used tea bag. Don't place the tea bag on your saucer as it will drain, and you will end up with a dripping cup. Do not wind the string around the spoon in an attempt to drain the tea bag.
What is the proper way to make tea in a teapot using loose tea?
Making tea with loose tea is a simple ritual filled with both grace and pleasure. First, fill the tea kettle with enough cold to both warm the teapot and make the tea. When the water is near boiling, pour some into the teapot and swirl it around to warm the teapot, then empty it. Measure a rounded teaspoon of loose black tea for each cup of water the teapot holds. Add an extra teaspoon if a strong tea is preferred. You place the tea either directly into the teapot or into a tea infuser or filter. When the water comes to a full rolling boil, take the teapot to the kettle, and pour the water onto the tea leaves. Cover the teapot, and allow the tea to steep for three to five minutes. When the tea is ready, either remove the tea infuser or filter, or stir the liquid in the teapot and strain or decant the steeped tea into another heated teapot. The British tradition calls for the tea leaves to remain steeping in the pot. Unless you are serving your tea British style, it is important to remove the tea leaves, as leaving them in the hot water too long results in a bitter-tasting tea.
Are you just discovering the world of tea and wondering if there are any advantages to using loose tea over tea bags?
While tea bags or sachets offer a quick, convenient way to make a cup of tea, loose-leaf tea offers much more choice and typically is a better grade of tea. A wide selection of loose-leaf teas is available from around the world, allowing you to choose the quality and quantity of tea you wish to use. And the brew has a fuller flavor than does tea made using tea bags. The ritual of preparing tea gives you a personal moment of relaxation and beauty to enjoy the process as well as the beverage. More and more upscale restaurants are offering loose-leaf teas as the American tea renaissance continues to expand.
*Note: These tea tips come from Dorothea Johnson in her "Tea & Etiquette" column in the September/October 2008 issue of Tea Time Magazine.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Friendships
I've been thinking a lot about my different friendships recently. It all began with the Ladies' Tea at our church because the theme was "Friendship". Then, today, Pastor Mike preached on the last section of I Corinthians 10 which talks about putting others before yourself, and he told how God loves us so that we can love others, and that we glorify God by loving others.
So, I have been reflecting upon my friendships. I have many friends, and the types of friendships I have with them are quite varied. Some are simply "acquaintances". These are the people whom I know at a very surface level; the ones I say hello to, in passing, and maybe exchange some small talk. Some are what, I suppose I would call simply -- "friends". These would be the friends that I speak to frequently and care about, but wouldn't say were real deep, close friends. Then there are my "dearest" and "closest" friends. These are the friends that I do my best to keep in close, frequent contact with. These are the ones that I truly know that I can trust with personal confidences and know that they will not break my confidence or gossip about my confidences with others. Finally, there are the "tried and true friends". These are the ones that have been my friends through thick and thin for many years, but who, because of separation of miles or just life issues and changes, are still very dear, close, special friends that, if we had more frequent contact would fall into my "dearest" and "closest" friends category, but because of the separation of miles or just circumstances, cause us to have minimal contact throughout the year, but whom, when we do get those rare times together, it's like we've never been apart. We just seem to pick up right where we left off and we are still very comfortable with each other, and we can still share personal confidences with complete trust.
What I have been thinking about recently is why I have so many different types of friends. After lots of thought, I have decided there are several reasons for the different types of friendships. I believe the "acquaintances" are such shallow base-level friends because these people who, for whatever reasons, do not allow us to get closer and do not wish to have a committed friendship. I think many times it is because of time constraints. They just are too busy to have too many friendships that require time, energy and effort.
I think that maybe, the "simply friends" are those with whom I may just differ too much in personal preferences, lifestyles, beliefs, or worldview with to take the friendship to a deeper level.
I believe that the "dearest and closest friends" are the ones that accept and love me as I am, in spite of my flaws. They are also the ones who make time for me and whom I can count on when I have a need. These are the friends that are as committed to building a close friendship as I am. They are the ones who have the most important things in common with me, such as personal preferences, lifestyles, beliefs, and worldview. These are the friends that, if we are blessed, will become the "tried and true friends". These are the friends whom I can turn to for advice, help and support. They are also the ones who love me enough to lovingly and gently hold me accountable when I may say or do things that may be wrong or hurtful. These are the friends whom I share a give-and-take relationship with (and I don't necessarily mean in actual things, but in, as I have said, love, help, support and accountability). These are the friends who are able to forgive me when I mess up, and who are wise enough to, sometimes, just have to agree to disagree with me, when it comes to an issue that we both have strong but opposite convictions on.
The "tried and true friends" are the "dearest and closest friend" who have just been so reliable, faithful, and loving for so long. They are the friends that know me best, and though may not be able to spend as much time together as we used to because of circumstances or separation of miles, are the ones that I know that I can still count on and who just continue to love me. These are the friends that I am specially bonded with, because as I have said, when we are blessed enough to get some time together, it just seems like we start right where we left off the last time we were together -- that although time and/or miles had separated us, we have never felt the separation. These are also what I like to think of as my "forever friends" because we've been so close for so many years that I believe we will continue to be so until either death or eternity, depending on where each is spiritually (although I certainly hope that I can be a witness and make a difference to the ones who might not truly know Jesus).
I believe that we have different types of friends for different times and circumstances in our lives as well. I used to, and still often do, really struggle with the loss of a friend that I had thought or hoped would be one of my "tried and true forever friends". It always breaks my heart to lose a friend. I would keep them all and be as close to them as I possibly could, if it were up to me. However, I am not in control. God is. And sometimes He brings a person or people into my life to be my friend just for a time and then they leave and are never heard from again. These are the friends I still remember and thinks about sometime and wonder where and how they are and what is happening in their lives right now, but for some reason, God has decided that I only be allowed to have them in my life for a certain time or season of my life. I don't always understand it or like it, but it is a part of God's plan.
God is in control, and that is the main reason that I believe I have so many different types of friendships -- because, I believe, that a lot of it depends on where we are in our walk with Christ.
So, I have been reflecting upon my friendships. I have many friends, and the types of friendships I have with them are quite varied. Some are simply "acquaintances". These are the people whom I know at a very surface level; the ones I say hello to, in passing, and maybe exchange some small talk. Some are what, I suppose I would call simply -- "friends". These would be the friends that I speak to frequently and care about, but wouldn't say were real deep, close friends. Then there are my "dearest" and "closest" friends. These are the friends that I do my best to keep in close, frequent contact with. These are the ones that I truly know that I can trust with personal confidences and know that they will not break my confidence or gossip about my confidences with others. Finally, there are the "tried and true friends". These are the ones that have been my friends through thick and thin for many years, but who, because of separation of miles or just life issues and changes, are still very dear, close, special friends that, if we had more frequent contact would fall into my "dearest" and "closest" friends category, but because of the separation of miles or just circumstances, cause us to have minimal contact throughout the year, but whom, when we do get those rare times together, it's like we've never been apart. We just seem to pick up right where we left off and we are still very comfortable with each other, and we can still share personal confidences with complete trust.
What I have been thinking about recently is why I have so many different types of friends. After lots of thought, I have decided there are several reasons for the different types of friendships. I believe the "acquaintances" are such shallow base-level friends because these people who, for whatever reasons, do not allow us to get closer and do not wish to have a committed friendship. I think many times it is because of time constraints. They just are too busy to have too many friendships that require time, energy and effort.
I think that maybe, the "simply friends" are those with whom I may just differ too much in personal preferences, lifestyles, beliefs, or worldview with to take the friendship to a deeper level.
I believe that the "dearest and closest friends" are the ones that accept and love me as I am, in spite of my flaws. They are also the ones who make time for me and whom I can count on when I have a need. These are the friends that are as committed to building a close friendship as I am. They are the ones who have the most important things in common with me, such as personal preferences, lifestyles, beliefs, and worldview. These are the friends that, if we are blessed, will become the "tried and true friends". These are the friends whom I can turn to for advice, help and support. They are also the ones who love me enough to lovingly and gently hold me accountable when I may say or do things that may be wrong or hurtful. These are the friends whom I share a give-and-take relationship with (and I don't necessarily mean in actual things, but in, as I have said, love, help, support and accountability). These are the friends who are able to forgive me when I mess up, and who are wise enough to, sometimes, just have to agree to disagree with me, when it comes to an issue that we both have strong but opposite convictions on.
The "tried and true friends" are the "dearest and closest friend" who have just been so reliable, faithful, and loving for so long. They are the friends that know me best, and though may not be able to spend as much time together as we used to because of circumstances or separation of miles, are the ones that I know that I can still count on and who just continue to love me. These are the friends that I am specially bonded with, because as I have said, when we are blessed enough to get some time together, it just seems like we start right where we left off the last time we were together -- that although time and/or miles had separated us, we have never felt the separation. These are also what I like to think of as my "forever friends" because we've been so close for so many years that I believe we will continue to be so until either death or eternity, depending on where each is spiritually (although I certainly hope that I can be a witness and make a difference to the ones who might not truly know Jesus).
I believe that we have different types of friends for different times and circumstances in our lives as well. I used to, and still often do, really struggle with the loss of a friend that I had thought or hoped would be one of my "tried and true forever friends". It always breaks my heart to lose a friend. I would keep them all and be as close to them as I possibly could, if it were up to me. However, I am not in control. God is. And sometimes He brings a person or people into my life to be my friend just for a time and then they leave and are never heard from again. These are the friends I still remember and thinks about sometime and wonder where and how they are and what is happening in their lives right now, but for some reason, God has decided that I only be allowed to have them in my life for a certain time or season of my life. I don't always understand it or like it, but it is a part of God's plan.
God is in control, and that is the main reason that I believe I have so many different types of friendships -- because, I believe, that a lot of it depends on where we are in our walk with Christ.
Christ changes us as we grow closer to Him. I know that I have changed a lot over the years since I have given my life to the Lord. I am definitely not the same person that I was before I became a Christian. I no longer think, talk or do the same things that I did before. I, also, no longer think, talk or do the same things I did even just a year ago, because the more we study God's word and the closer we grow to Him, the more work He does in our hearts and lives. He opens our eyes and minds to what He wants for us and if we are obedient, we will change.
So, I believe that because of the changes Christ makes in us in our obedience, our friendships, as well as our other relationships, change. They change due to lack of common thinking, belief and worldview. My closest friends are the ones who think and believe the most like me and that have a very similar worldview. Also, I see that my closest friends are the ones in whom I see something that I am inspired by or attracted to because it is something that I want in my own life, and I don't mean material things. I am talking about the example they set before me in their own personal walk with the Lord. I look to them for friendship and hope that, in the friendship, I can learn from them -- maybe something I would like to accomplish in my own walk with the Lord, or maybe some wisdom on how to be a better wife, mother, or teacher or even friend.
Right now, I also want to look inward at the kind of friend I am. I would like to reach out more; to invite friends over to our house, to show more hospitality. I need to stop worrying that my house is too small and, therefore, way to cluttered. I know that this is the type of thing that Satan tells me to defeat me, and, unfortunately, I have allowed him to defeat me with this way of thinking, but I need to be stronger. I need to do the very best that I can do to make my home as nice as I possibly can, no matter how small it is, and open it up to my friends. I also need to work on strengthening existing friendships that have taken some bumps and bruises, but I need to seek God's help and grace in that because I'm not sure exactly how to go about doing that.
Last, but not least, are all of you, my blogging friends, which is one more unique friendship. I find encouragement, wisdom, comfort and support on your blogs and in the comments that you leave here, and I appreciate that. And, I hope that you find encouragement, wisdom, comfort and support here at Cozy Comforts. I also hope that you will find things to ponder and things that make you say, "Wow, so I'm not alone. Someone else feels that way or is dealing with this too."
All the friends I have are important in their own way, but the thing I think I need to remember the most is that I need to be sure that I am being the best friend that I can be in whichever type of friendship I am in with each individual friend, and I need to look to the Lord for wisdom and grace in beginning new friendships as well as building and strengthening existing ones.
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